This week I've had a bit of an emotional collapse. I've been sad and irritable and not at all the person I want to be. There have been tears and angst and over reactions. Last time I felt this vile it was the 1990s and I wound up on Prozac. This has prompted a lot of introspection as I try to figure out if I can find my way out by myself (or with a little help from my friends) or if pharmaceutical assistance is going to come into the picture.
Ironically enough I think the catalyst for this slump is that we've finally gotten a break from the last few years of lurching from crisis to crisis so I've had a chance to take stock and look at some needs that come higher up the pyramid than just basic getting through.
I realise that I've spent all my energy faffing with everyone else's proverbial oxygen mask and forgotten my own. I've fallen into some pretty damaging behaviours and it's time for that to stop. Because there have been times when my needs and desires were genuinely less pressing than those of other family members, I got in the habit of assuming that I came last and have, of late, been slipping into resentful martyrdom without even asking to have my needs met first.
So, from now on, I'm actually going to tell people what I need, I'm going to stop treating my desires as less important than everyone else's and I'm not going to pretend I'm fine when I'm not. I feel like I'm taking charge of my life for the first time in a long while. It's a bit scary but it's good too.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.