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In which I let my guard down

This week I've had a bit of an emotional collapse. I've been sad and irritable and not at all the person I want to be. There have been tears and angst and over reactions. Last time I felt this vile it was the 1990s and I wound up on Prozac. This has prompted a lot of introspection as I try to figure out if I can find my way out by myself (or with a little help from my friends) or if pharmaceutical assistance is going to come into the picture.

Ironically enough I think the catalyst for this slump is that we've finally gotten a break from the last few years of lurching from crisis to crisis so I've had a chance to take stock and look at some needs that come higher up the pyramid than just basic getting through.

I realise that I've spent all my energy faffing with everyone else's proverbial oxygen mask and forgotten my own. I've fallen into some pretty damaging behaviours and it's time for that to stop. Because there have been times when my needs and desires were genuinely less pressing than those of other family members, I got in the habit of assuming that I came last and have, of late, been slipping into resentful martyrdom without even asking to have my needs met first.

So, from now on, I'm actually going to tell people what I need, I'm going to stop treating my desires as less important than everyone else's and I'm not going to pretend I'm fine when I'm not. I feel like I'm taking charge of my life for the first time in a long while. It's a bit scary but it's good too.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 4th, 2012 11:59 pm (UTC)
I've had several situations of late where I've had to say "OK, the degree to which this is fucking with my mental health? Not worth it." And sometimes, it makes you feel like complete shit to put yourself first, especially when that means not being around for people you care about.

But. You literally can not help other people when you're struggling yourself. And your family and friends deserve the best of you, even if that's uncomfortable in the short term.

Which is to say: *hugs*. That 'swimming through emotional treacle' feeling sucks all kind of balls. And given the past couple of years, is not at all surprising. Mwah! (And remember, when everything else sucks, red lipstick and a martini always helps.)

Jul. 5th, 2012 12:21 am (UTC)
Thanks Love, it's amazing how just up and saying things ain't right makes a big difference. I'm not horrible, I'm not hopeless and I'm certainly not on my own.
Jul. 5th, 2012 02:31 am (UTC)
Ugh, I hear you. It's not that we don't want to do it, but the daily grind of catering to other people's needs while we quietly slip under the surface, it's lethal.

And of course, I've just done this on something of a grand scale. What we need is some drinking and gossiping. Couple of weeks and we'll be living over your way: we should make Plans for a Mental Health Evening.
Jul. 5th, 2012 02:48 am (UTC)
I need an evening of drink, gossip and truly filthy puns, so badly.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )